Everyone Just Shut Up
By: Faith Pearce
(4 min read)
I’ve heard of the term split personality or multiple personalities before. I have also heard the term borderline personality disorder thrown around. I did a bit of digging because I often feel there are different parts of me. And it made me question a few other things going on I’m not aware of. And most definitely there is a lot to uncover.
Before I completely go off on a tangent, I do believe that we all have different facets of ourselves. Here are a few of mine:
-There is the Inner Child who is full of free spirit and doesn’t always want to follow rules.
-There is the Ego who likes to be heard, seen and right all of the time.
-There is the Lover who likes to feel sexy and passionate.
-There is the Negotiator who likes to mediate between all the different parts.
-Then there is the Authoritarian who is the one who likes to keep order and do things properly, almost like a voice of reason.
Because I’ve spent many years inside my head, I’m very aware of the different voices that conversate in my mind. It really sounds like I have gone mad, but for me personally there are different parts that have gotten stuck or trapped at different moments throughout my life. It is almost like they live in different corners.
A variety of traumatic events have pivoted my decision making, direction and created my coping skills. Many times these events almost spun a completely different life for me. I’ll put this into context. Imagine you had an accident and lost the use of your legs. You can still remember being able to walk even though you are no longer able to, both parts exist inside. You may feel trapped due to the immobility yet you long for more freedom. You come to accept that you can no longer walk, but the other girl dreams of running through the fields and climbing stairs. She misses the freedom her legs gave her.
With the mobility gone and knowing you cannot go back, you are left with two sets of memories and both of these parts still remain inside, both having needs and desires to be heard.
I tend to find comfort leaning on the Authoritarian which is the part of me who maintains order. In some ways, she has to show up otherwise shit would never get done. If my Inner Child is always free and frolics in the fields, things would very quickly fall. The downside is this a very practical approach with such controlled structure, a lack of diversity and little experience living in the moment. And mostly the Authoritarian finds being outside her comfort zone foreign.
These two figures seem to argue a fair amount because they cannot find a balance. That is when the Negotiator shows up trying to diffuse the situation and get some form of agreement. Do you know how noisy this gets? Not to mention the Lover running around trying to get in a hug here and there.
The Authoritarian rarely gives the other voices a chance to speak. She cuts right through the noise of everyone else. She just marches on with the “Let’s get this done-I’m not listening” attitude which really ticks everyone else off. And she never quits until she crashes.
So we all had a meeting today, and the conversations scrambled something like this:
“I really hate some of the things I have to do. I hate the fact that I have to be positive about things, but I just wanna scream inside saying why am I doing all the stuff when it’s just so boring. What is the point of it all? I’m sick and tired of no one listening to me. I feel invisible and small and insignificant. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be angry or upset or scream or shout? Why do you have to be so goddamn perfect? Why was I never good enough? You make me feel stupid like I am pathetic and weak. I want to feel the way I want to feel. When I trip over my words, it is because I am second guessing if what I am saying is right? Is what I am thinking right? Is what I am doing right? Why do you all do this to me?”
The Authoritarian stood up after she listened to everyone speak, and she said, “There are just some things we have to do that we don’t like. You just have to suck it up and get on with it. There just isn’t time to be a cry baby and get all emotional about everything. This isn’t all about you being needy or about what you feel. You just have to get it done.”
So in comes the Negotiator who says: “I hear both of you. And your feelings are valid, and you are not weak or small. It is normal to feel scared sometimes or not want to engage. There is no such thing as being perfect. Be yourself and not try to be someone you are not, but there has to be a balance. Take a break once in a while. You have both done a great job protecting everyone in your own ways. I know you have everyone’s best interests at heart, but feelings matter. They are not scary and it’s ok to express them.”
Both of them look at each other, seeing each other in a different light and agree to try and listen to each other more and hear what they need.
I wonder who will take charge next?
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